Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree?

John 1:43-51

Jesus decided to go to Galilee, and he found Philip.   And Jesus said to him, "Follow me."   Now Philip was  from Bethsaida, the town of Andrew and Peter.   Philip found Nathanael and told him,  and also the prophets, Jesus, son of Joseph, from Nazareth."   But Nathanael said to him, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?"  Philip said to him, "Come and see."   Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward him and said of him,  "Here is a true child of Israel.   There is no duplicity in him."   Nathanael said to him, "How do you know me?"   Jesus answered and said to him, "Before Philip called you, I saw you under the fig tree."   Nathanael answered him, "Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the King of Israel."   Jesus answered and said to him, "Do you believe  because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree?   You will see greater things than this."   And he said to him, "Amen, amen, I say to you,  you will see the sky opened and the angels of God  ascending and descending on the Son of Man."

Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree?

In my desire to be like the saints, or at least my perception of the saints or the ones I chose to recall, I wanted to do everything out of love for God, not becasue he gifted me in some way or because I would get something out of it.  For a  long time it seemed to me that the desire to get to heaven was a selfish reason to do anything.  All my good works and actions should be out of love for God and others.  In my scrupulosity it has taken me a while to get over that.  And honestly I"m not that far past it.

This statement from Jesus reminds me that it is okay, not only is it okay that we believe because of some external event or reward, but that is often the reason he gives us the 'signs'.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  He knows what it will take for us to come to Himself.  And He will 'take what He can get', as a priest once told me.

I went to confession today feeling so inadequate because of something I saw as a personal defect, something many may see as defective.   Father reminded me that God made me that way.  It is not a personal fault, it is the way He made me and I need to thank Him for making me that way, not the way I want to be.  He knows what He's doing and my 'personal' defect has given me atributes that others do not have.  Attributes that I am to use for the glory of God.