"Your daughter has died; why trouble the teacher any longer?"

I will never give up!

Mark 521-43
When Jesus had crossed again in the boat to the other side, a large crowd gathered around him,  and he stayed close to the sea.  One of the synagogue officials, named Jairus, came forward.  Seeing him he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, saying, "My daughter is at the point of death.  Please, come lay your hands on her that she may get well and live."  He went off with him and a large crowd followed him.   There was a woman afflicted with hemorrhages for twelve years.  She had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors and had spent all that she had.  Yet she was not helped but only grew worse.  She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak.  She said, "If I but touch his clothes, I shall be cured."  Immediately her flow of blood dried up.  She felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction.  Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him, turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who has touched my clothes?"  But his disciples said to him, "You see how the crowd is pressing upon you, and yet you ask, Who touched me?"  And he looked around to see who had done it.  The woman, realizing what had happened to her, approached in fear and trembling.  She fell down before Jesus and told him the whole truth.  He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has saved you.  Go in peace and be cured of your affliction."

While he was still speaking, people from the synagogue official's house arrived and said, "Your daughter has died; why trouble the teacher any longer?"  Disregarding the message that was reported, Jesus said to the synagogue official, "Do not be afraid; just have faith."  He did not allow anyone to accompany him inside except Peter, James, and John, the brother of James.  When they arrived at the house of the synagogue official, he caught sight of a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly.  So he went in and said to them, "Why this commotion and weeping?  The child is not dead but asleep."  And they ridiculed him.  Then he put them all out.  He took along the child's father and mother and those who were with him and entered the room where the child was.  He took the child by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise!"  The girl, a child of twelve, arose immediately and walked around.  At that they were utterly astounded.  He gave strict orders that no one should know this and said that she should be given something to eat.

"Your daughter has died; why trouble the teacher any longer?"

Lord,
I have often, in the past and still every now and then given up on the resolution or healing of a situation and yet you have given me the grace to pick up and continue to keep going, to not give up, to try again.

J (daughter) is lost now, Lord and it breaks my heart. It is all I want on this earth, for her to come back into your grace and be saved  And I will never give up, even if I die before it happens.  I did not give up when she was a teenager.  I couldn't.  I loved her too much and I love her even more today even thought I am far from her physically, emotionally and relationally.  In fact I know that the distance is what is saving me and allowing me to go on, to continue to live and to keep the faith.  I know that if her behavior was in my face and I was constantly being reminded, I would constantly be devastated.  Thank you Lord, for your wisdom and doing what is necessary for my own peace (that I have when I am not recalling her) and my ability to go on.

People tell me to just accept it, all the kids do it.  It is the way things are today.  Yes, that is true, but that doesn't mean it is right.  It's cultural and societal acceptance does not make it right and it does not give me any peace.

What I do have Lord, is hope, hope in your word and your promise to me.  I know that you are huge in compassion and you cannot resist a sincere mother's cry for help and I know that you desire her return more than I do, so I will continue to pray and wait.  I will not allow anyone or anything to steal my hope or my love for her.  And I know she knows and I know that deep down she depends on my hope and love to bring her back into righteousness.  She knows I will never give up on her and she is right.

Lord,
Just saying that makes me think of you not giving up on me even thought I constantly mess up.

Last night in that film Catholicism, there was an image of you on the cross that flashed before my eyes that brought me to the reality of your love for me. I saw how you took the pain of what I have done, you accepted my sins, my faults and all that is wrong with me on yourself.  You paid my admission into heaven and all you ask is that I keep coming back to you when I mess up and ask for your forgiveness.

Lord, I keep looking for human love and acceptance, approval and affirmation that never satiates me.  Lord, help me to let go of that and be satiated by you.  Lord, help me accept those things from you.  It can be so hard Lord.  I want to feel it, but most of the time I can't but I know that I do have all those things from you even when I'm not aware or I forget.

Lord, please remind me, especially when I start to seek them from the wrong people because I know how that turns out. That desire and obsessive compulsion has hurt me more deeply than any other in my life.  Lord, I did not know what I did not know and you showed me and you allowed me to feel the pain of my sin.  And it was sine even though I did not conscientiously realize it until it was too late, until I had done serious damage to myself and my relationship with him, who I put into your place.  You have brought me through this ordeal a stronger person, a wiser person, and more than anything else you have loved me through it and given me yourself in a way that I never could have imagined.

Lord, please continue to lead me.  Lord, help me bring closure to this whole thing that has changed me so deeply.  Help me move on.

And they were seized with fear

Mark 5:1-20

Lord, please release me from this fear

Jesus and his disciples came to the other side of the sea, to the territory of the Gerasenes.  When he got out of the boat, at once a man from the tombs who had an unclean spirit met him.  The man had been dwelling among the tombs, and no one could restrain him any longer, even with a chain.  In fact, he had frequently been bound with shackles and chains, but the chains had been pulled apart by him and the shackles smashed, and no one was strong enough to subdue him.  Night and day among the tombs and on the hillsides he was always crying out and bruising himself with stones.  Catching sight of Jesus from a distance, he ran up and prostrated himself before him, crying out in a loud voice, "What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God?  I adjure you by God, do not torment me!"  (He had been saying to him, Unclean spirit, come out of the man!")  He asked him, "What is your name?"  He replied, "Legion is my name. There are many of us."  And he pleaded earnestly with him not to drive them away from that territory.

Now a large herd of swine was feeding there on the hillside.  And they pleaded with him, "Send us into the swine. Let us enter them."  And he let them, and the unclean spirits came out and entered the swine.  The herd of about two thousand rushed down a steep bank into the sea, where they were drowned.  The swineherds ran away and reported the incident in the town and throughout the countryside.  And people came out to see what had happened.  As they approached Jesus, they caught sight of the man who had been possessed by Legion, sitting there clothed and in his right mind.  And they were seized with fear.  Those who witnessed the incident explained to them what had happened to the possessed man and to the swine.  Then they began to beg him to leave their district.  As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed pleaded to remain with him.  But Jesus would not permit him but told him instead, "Go home to your family and announce to them all that the Lord in his pity has done for you."  Then the man went off and began to proclaim in the Decapolis what Jesus had done for him; and all were amazed.

And they were seized with fear

Lord,
What is it about this statement?  Fear, they were seized with fear.  Lord fear has been the unclean spirit within me all these years.  I have been fighting him and there's been a battle within me raging.  the intensity goes up and down but it is always there, sometimes closer to the top than others.  Lord, how do I release it, become free of it?


Release it.  That is the answer.  It is something you are holding on to .  You don't want to release it.  It gives you comfort because it is familiar.  Even thought it brings much discomfort, it feels natural and you've allowed it to become part of you.

Ok, Lord, I believe that and it makes sense.  So how do I get rid of it?  It is like a huge boulder that I carry around and so often I am frozen (it gets too heavy)  and cannot move and at other times it is so heavy it slows me down as I drag it along and when I hit a bump along the way, it will hold me back or make me fall.  Lord, my back aches carrying this around.   I want to get rid of it but I don't know how.  Right now I can see that it needs to be broken up crushed and my fear is that I will just have lots of little ones to gather and carry along.


No, you crush it and disintegrate it.  I can do anything but you have to cooperate.


Lord, how?

Make the list and pray over it, be faithful to this exercise.  Do what you did in your womb meditations.  This is another stumbling block to your healing and you can overcome it but you have to make a free will effort to do what it takes.  I will help you but you must do the work.

He commands even the unclean spirits and they obey him."

The battle is already won by God

Mark 1:21-28
Then they came to Capernaum, and on the sabbath Jesus entered the synagogue and taught.  The people were astonished at his teaching, for he taught them as one having authority and not as the scribes.  In their synagogue was a man with an unclean spirit; he cried out, "What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth?  Have you come to destroy us?  I know who you are--the Holy One of God!"  Jesus rebuked him and said, "Quiet! Come out of him!"  The unclean spirit convulsed him and with a loud cry came out of him.  All were amazed and asked one another, "What is this?  A new teaching with authority.  He commands even the unclean spirits and they obey him."  His fame spread everywhere throughout the whole region of Galilee.

He commands even the unclean spirits and they obey him."

Lord,

How often do I forget that you can do anything?  When I look around at this country, I fear  what is going to happen in just the next few years.  Will we even have freedom of religion?  Will be be free to proclaim the Gospel?  Things are quickly going in that direction.

Lord, that puts me in fear of what is ahead and at the same time it is a reminder that I need to do all I can while I still can to share you with those around me, those who don't know, who don't believe, who need you.
Lord, give me the courage and the right words to spread You, your good news to all those who are dying in this broken world.

Lord, help me remember that you win in the end, that no matter what happens here on earth, you win and those who are with you also win.

"Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"... "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?"

Do you not care that we are perishing?

Mark 4:35-41
On that day, as evening drew on, Jesus said to his disciples:  "Let us cross to the other side."  Leaving the crowd, they took Jesus with them in the boat just as he was.  And other boats  were  with him.  A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up.  Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion.  They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"  He woke up, rebuked the wind,  and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!"  The wind ceased and there was great calm.  Then he asked them,  "Why are you terrified?  Do you not yet have faith?"  They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?"

"Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"...
"Why are you terrified?  Do you not yet have faith?"

Lord,

It is so easy to feel this way when things get rough, when it looks as if I am not going to find a peaceful solution.  It is so easy to lose sight or to forget your faithfulness and to hold on to you through those times.  Sometimes it feels like I'm a child in the middle of a crowd so packed together that you cannot see your feet, a crowd that is in a frenzy to get somewhere and although you have my hand and I am holding tight, I cannot see you because of the people you are pulling me through.  I am just a child and all those smashing in on me, crushing me are tall adults that even block the light from above, so I am also in very little light, just tryin to hold on to your hand and fear enters my heart and I am almost paralyzed with that fear as I look around and see no way to safety and peace.  Yet you are there holding my hand prompting me and sometimes pulling me forward.  At those times I often question why you brought me to that place in the first place. Then I often realize you didn't take me, I wen there myself for whatever reason and you went with me to keep me safe even thought you warned me not to go or I went out of my own selfishness or desire for some forbidden thing.  You do not leave me there even though I got into the mess all by myself.  You stick with me, even when I cannot see you and sometimes I forget you are there, or I blame you for my being there and you do not get angry and throw my stupidity, my selfishness or any other faults that got me there into my face and say, you got into this mess by yourself, so you get out by yourself.  No, you are patient, waiting for me to ask you for help, to repent and ask you for forgiveness so I can put my mistakes behind me and look around and see you and allow you to guide me out.  Lord, you are always patient and calm, you never yell at me and chastise me for my faults even when I deserve it so much.  You are the most loving father that I can imagine, the only father that is perfect, that will never hurt me, that loves me and accepts me regardless of my imperfections and regardless of all the stupid things I may say or do.  You have never abandoned me like the others.  Lord, please help me to always remember you are there and to call on you first for help when I need it.

Scatter seeds and wait

Scatter many seeds and don't wait for them to sprout

Mark 4:26-34
Jesus said to the crowds:  "This is how it is with the Kingdom of God; it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land and would sleep and rise night and day and the seed would sprout and grow, he knows not how.  Of its own accord the land yields fruit, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear.  And when the grain is ripe, he wields the sickle at once, for the harvest has come."  He said, "To what shall we compare the Kingdom of God, or what parable can we use for it?  It is like a mustard seed that, when it is sown in the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on the earth.  But once it is sown, it springs up and becomes the largest of plants and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the sky can dwell in its shade."  With many such parables he spoke the word to them as they were able to understand it.  Without parables he did not speak to them, but to his own disciples he explained everything in private.

Lord,
I believe you want me to scatter seeds.  I never thought of scattering seeds.  I'm thinking of many seeds knowing that some will grow and bear fruit and some will not.  By planting one seed at a time here and there sparsely watching everyone of them to see if they grow, I'm not using my time wisely or even fruitfully.

Help me let go of this idea that I am responsible for their sprouting and growing.  Help me to not be stingy planting seeds.

J is the main one that I wait and watch for growth and I see none.  Lord, I know you sent her so far away so that I would not keep watching in pain when I do not see growth, not even a little sprout.  It hurts me so bad to sit and wait and see nothing happening.  Lord, I know it has to be your will that she return and I know that she has a free will and she is exercising it.  She is choosing to go with the world.  She has bought into the woulds 'idea' of how to be a good citizen on earth and I believe she is sincerely trying to do that.  I am proud of her devotion to doing that, but her devotion is not to the thing that will give her eternal life but to things that will prolong her life on earth, in the devil's kingdom.

Lord, she doesn't understand my desire to be with you face to face in heaven.  I don't even know if she believes that you are real anymore.  The world is such a strong force a force that entices with "shiny" objects and pulls us away from the 'real thing', you.

Lord, I know there is nothing on this earth that could ever give the pleasure that you have promised, but how do I get her to know it?

She knows it.  She just doesn't want to think about it now because it is not easy to give up the world's empty pleasures and promises.  It is easy to run away from me when all is well.  But when her legs are broken and she cannot run anymore and I pick her up and carry her, she will hear my voice and she will return.  But that time is not here yet.  I am setting the scene that she will not come alone, she will bring others and that takes a while.

Ok Lord, that helps me to persevere in patience and hope and faith.

Anyone who has ears to hear ought to hear."

The more light you give, the more light you receive

Mark 4:21-25
Jesus said to his disciples, "Is a lamp brought in to be placed under a bushel basket or under a bed, and not to be placed on a lampstand?  For there is nothing hidden except to be made visible; nothing is secret except to come to light.  Anyone who has ears to hear ought to hear."  He also told them, "Take care what you hear.
The measure with which you measure will be measured out to you, and still more will be given to you.
To the one who has, more will be given; from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."


 Anyone who has ears to hear ought to hear."

Lord,
You are going to have to explain this to me.  I don't even see what one statement has to do with the other one.  Let me think this through...One who has the truth, the light needs to share it, to shed it.  We cannot hide it forever.  The one who has the truth and shares it will continue to be enlightened, there is no end to the light/truth that God has to share with those who give it away.  It is like love, the more you give away the more you have.  Lord I do not know if that is right but thats what I understand now.

"Take care of what you hear", discern what you hear, make sure it is from the Lord.

OMG, that is exactly what I'm struggling with right now. Lord, I was so sure that was you speaking to me about reaching out to FJ, now as I look more closely at it, I'm not so sure.  I don't think it is doubt, but discernment.  And I was impulsive and compulsive when I shared so much and asked him to help me.  I need to test the spirits and see what falls out.  Here you are trying to teach me patience and here I am jumping ahead because I am impatient and want to be over this so badly.  But I have to wait on you.

That's right.  Wait on me.  You will know in time, when it's time.  Slow down.  How long have I told you to slow down?

Since all this began, Lord, I have been impatient all this time.  I have tried to rush and manipulate situations to fit my will, not yours.  I have also been fooled to believe it was you when it was not.  Had I discerned the spirits back then I would have known but I did not even know how back then.  I was impulsive and compulsive back then and I still have that tendency.  That has not improved.

But now you have another tool to use to discern and I want you to use it.  The closer you get to me, the closer he gets  to you.

Yes Lord, I know that but I forge it.  I get him confused with you and with my own wild thoughts.   He knows all too well how to push my buttons and when to push them and which ones to push.

Lord, help me discern and know when it is you.  I know I've been asking this for a long time, but I still need help, maybe I always will.  I don't know but you do.

Be patient with yourself first, don't push yourself.  You need to relax your brain.  It is overworked and tired and that's when mistakes are made along with rash decisions.

Help me Lord, help me do it, please.

I will

Go into the whole world and proclaim the gospel to every creature

Acts 22:3-16
Paul addressed the people in these words:  "I am a Jew, born in Tarsus in Cilicia, but brought up in this city.
At the feet of Gamaliel I was educated strictly in our ancestral law and was zealous for God, just as all of you are today.  I persecuted this Way to death, binding both men and women and delivering them to prison.
Even the high priest and the whole council of elders can testify on my behalf.  For from them I even received letters to the brothers and set out for Damascus to bring back to Jerusalem in chains for punishment those there as well.

"On that journey as I drew near to Damascus, about noon a great light from the sky suddenly shone around me.  I fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to me, 'Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?'  I replied, 'Who are you, sir?'  And he said to me, 'I am Jesus the Nazorean whom you are persecuting.'  My companions saw the light but did not hear the voice of the one who spoke to me.  I asked, 'What shall I do, sir?'  The Lord answered me, 'Get up and go into Damascus, and there you will be told about everything
appointed for you to do.'  Since I could see nothing because of the brightness of that light, I was led by hand by my companions and entered Damascus.   "A certain Ananias, a devout observer of the law, and highly spoken of by all the Jews who lived there, came to me and stood there and said, 'Saul, my brother, regain your sight.'  And at that very moment I regained my sight and saw him.  Then he said, 'The God of our ancestors designated you to know his will, to see the Righteous One, and to hear the sound of his voice;
for you will be his witness before all to what you have seen and heard.  Now, why delay?  Get up and have yourself baptized and your sins washed away, calling upon his name.'"  


Go into the whole world and proclaim the gospel to every creature


Lord,
That theme runs through everything today, all the readings.  What does that mean to me?


I use imperfect souls as my instruments and I make them new.  


OK Lord, 
I am imperfect, how do you wan to use me?


Share the gospel with those who are spiritually poor.   You have all your need.  Trust me.  I will lead you.  Listen to me and block out all the other voices and doubts.  Work with what you know to be true and you will not fail.  There will be opposition, there will always be opposition.  I had it and you will to, but hold fast to the truth.  Pray for them to have a change of heart and don't take it personally.


You have the gift to share.  Use it.  Don't look for results.  You are the seed planter.  Don't be discouraged when they refuse to hear you.  Many will but the seeds you plant will have an effect and you may not see it or know it until years down the road or never.   Most conversation are not like Paul's.  Most are slow and agonizing because they do not want to believe.  They want the easy way out but they do not know that this is the easy way.  Everything is set out for them, all they have to do is follow directions, my directions, but many rebel.  Those that rebel and them come to me make the best evangelists.  So don't be hard on yourself and feel ineffective because the changes of heart is my job.


Lord, you say this over and over to me.


I am patient and I want you to be patient too.

Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother:

Lord, all I want is to be in your arms

Mark 3:31-35
Lord, What I see is that you are not denying them.  You are including those who do the will of God.


Lord, for so long, it didn't make sense, but now I see that you are extending your family to include me and all who follow the will of God.  You are giving everyone an opportunity to be in close relationship to you.


Lord, you are misunderstood by so many.  Back then when you walked the earth and today people are opposed to you because they do not understand.  If they did understand and their hearts were open, I believe the only ones who would oppose you would be the evil ones who choose for themselves to follow the evil on.


Lord, I have to remind myself that I will never be understood by all, that accepting that will make me more like you.


Lord, I can see how the evil one can deep me stirred up when that happens.  It is pride once again and stubbornness and a lack of humility that is guiding me in my own lack of peace. 


Help me let it go.  Help me to think of you when I am misunderstood.  Help me choose peace over the turmoil that stirs me up and keeps me in a state of anxiety and fear and makes me feel like a victim who will try to change them.  I know I cannot change them. You  couldn't.


Lord, help me to just pray for them and know that their understanding and acceptance is their choice and that they have in their own hands the choice to do whatever they choose, just as I do.


Lord, help me accept when I am wrong and to move on with peace and without shame and self condemnation.


I am here with you always.  Bring your worries to me and I will console you.  I can give you peace in adversity but you have to come to me and ask for it.  I am the author of peace and I am the one who holds it and extends it.  I'm talking about true peace.  Compromising truth and justice are not peace.  Accepting evil in the name of peace is not my peace, it is a lied.  A lie that many choose to accept out of their own brokenness out of fear, fear of making waves for any cause being right or wrong.  They hide behind passivity and call it peace.  That is not what I want.  I never want you or anyone to lay down truth in order to keep 'peace' because that is not true peace.  That is not my peace that endures.

And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand

Mark 3:22-30
The scribes who had come from Jerusalem said of Jesus, "He is possessed by Beelzebul," and "By the prince of demons he drives out demons."  Summoning them, he began to speak to them in parables, "How can Satan drive out Satan?  If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.  And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.  And if Satan has risen up against himself and is divided, he cannot stand; that is the end of him.  But no one can enter a strong man's house to plunder his property
unless he first ties up the strong man.  Then he can plunder his house.  Amen, I say to you, all sins and all blasphemies that people utter will be forgiven them.  But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never have forgiveness, but is guilty of an everlasting sin."  For they had said, "He has an unclean spirit."


And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand

OK Lord,

 I hear what you are saying here.  I am in a constant battle within myself and I will not be able to stand, to be strong, to be the person you made me to be as long as I persist.  I see it and it creates constant turmoil withing my heart and mind.  I do not trust myself more than I do not trust others, I think.  I allow one little doubt or thought to enter my mind and then the battle begins.  

Where do those doubts come from, Lord?  

Fear, they come from fear.  The evil one doesn't even have to do anything.  You are able to conjure up the dark side of everything in your mind and when you do you start going down, losing your strength and guesting your knowledge.  You give those thoughts power and they overcome what you believe or know to be true and soon they have the upper hand and you are in turmoil, going back and forth, around and around in your mind.  You find yourself turning from one negative thought or idea to another.   Soon you are surrounded by all the possible negative outcomes and you aren't even able to see above them or around them.  They dominate your view and confusion sets in and you allow the doubt to take you down.

You lose sight of reason and you hold on to the untruth and all the negative possibilities and the fear, the fear you bean with permeates your being and others pick up on it, they try to talk 'sense' into you but you refuse them.  You are stubborn and hold on to your false ideas and your mood changes in an instant.  And you find it difficult to get it back.  To get back to the peace you possessed with the truth, the light.  When you pull the shades down, you cannot see the truth in the darkness.  You have to stop those thoughts as soon as they occur.  Even if you are wrong, the result is not as bad as you make it and the negative consequences will not be as dark as you make them in your head and they will not last as long either.

Come after me and I will make you fishers of men

Mark 1:14-20
After John had been arrested, Jesus came to Galilee proclaiming the gospel of God:  "This is the time of fulfillment.  The kingdom of God is at hand.  Repent, and believe in the gospel."  



As he passed by the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting their nets into the sea; they were fishermen.  Jesus said to them, "Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men."  Then they abandoned their nets and followed him.  He walked along a little farther and saw James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother John.  They too were in a boat mending their nets.  Then he called them.  So they left their father Zebedee in the boat along with the hired men and followed him.


Come after me and I will make you fishers of men


Lord,


I am not sure what you are doing with me these days.  I have all these gifts you've given me, this knowledge and a keen way of hearing you, but what do I do with all of it?  Now you've got me praying with people, which I never wanted to do.  But, Lord, you do lead me, so I believe it is where you want me.  But what about the creativity and the knowledge of the faith.  I thought you wanted me to use it, but nothing is happening.

What does come after me and I will make you fishers of men mean to me?  I have worked on learning all the 'rules' to do this, but it doesn't seem to have any value or purpose.

It will.  All that is not for nothing.

Lord, please lead me because I don't see it now.  Today I feel tired and out of steam.

Rest.  Today is a day to rest, just rest.

for they said, "He is out of his mind"

Who's Crazy?

Mark 3:20-21

Jesus came with his disciples into the house.  Again the crowd gathered, making it impossible for them even to eat. When his relatives heard of this they set out to seize him,  for they said, "He is out of his mind." 

for they said, "He is out of his mind"

Lord,

You have such a sense of humor.  You know this is one of my fears.  What are you saying?  His family thought he was out of his mind. the Pharisees said he was possessed.  They used the ignorance of others to further their plan.  Lord, what does this have to do with me?

He wasn't crazy.  You that.  What others believe doesn't make it true.  Their belief came out of the ignorance.  And the Pharisees used everything against him.  It didn't matter if it was good or bad.  They twisted it to fit their needs and desires.  Truth stands the test of time. 

So what about me?  Help me overcome this fear.

What people believe has not effect on truth.  So what you think they think doesn't change what they actually think or don't think.  It only drives you into anxiety and fear.  You cannot bear to be misunderstood.  But look, the Lord, you God was misunderstood and it didn't change anything.  That was part of the plan.  And he was humble and he was not disturbed  by it out of his humility.  For you, there is no purpose.  It does not bring a greater good.  It stirs up fear and anxiety.  It keeps you fighting in your head.  It makes you chase your tail.  It keeps you from experiencing peace, my peace.  Do you see the difference?  Even if others believe you to be crazy, what difference does it make?  Do you want peace or not?  You have to get over this to find peace.  This is all in your head and it is because you have such a hard time believing it's true.  You haven't accepted this truth.  I cannot use you in this state of confusion.  You must stand firm in the truth.  You cannot give in to the devil's attempt to keep you in this tail spin.  You go around and around in your head and in your heart.  You know it's true.  That doubt is from him.   Think again about peace and discernment.  Ask yourself if there is peace or turmoil.  You know which is form where.  You cannot go forward, not effectively in your mission as long as this doubt has a hold on your heart.  When you feel that stabbing fear, as soon as it hits your heart, recognize it is from him.  Equate that feeling of ear and anxiety with him, like Pavlov's dog.  Then use your mind to discern the facts.  You are giving him power by giving in to the fear and anxiety and the desire to be understood and liked.  Not being understood or like by all is a fact of this world.  Look at me.  If they misunderstand it is out of their lack, not yours.

The Lord chose Imperfect men

I wonder what they think of me

Mark 3:13-19
Jesus went up the mountain and summoned those whom he wanted and they came to him.  He appointed Twelve, whom he also named Apostles, that they might be with him and he might send them forth to preach 
and to have authority to drive out demons:  He appointed the Twelve:  Simon, whom he named Peter; James, son of Zebedee, and John the brother of James, whom he named Boanerges,  that is, sons of thunder; Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James the son of Alphaeus; Thaddeus, Simon the Cananean, and Judas Iscariot who betrayed him.


Lord, 
What is this?


These imperfect men were the first men that you had at your side, speaking in your name and even though you were with them, they still fell prey to the devil's temptations in their humanity.


These men screwed up all over the place.  They made some big mistakes and you knew they would, yet you chose them.  You used them.  You loved them.  You allowed them to mess up.  You chose them for your mission and they did their part imperfectly.  They did their job.  Their job was not to instantly convert the world, their job was to do their best and move on.  They didn't sit around worried about what others thought of them.  What many though of them was not loving or beautiful.  


You are not judged on what others think of you.  You are judged on what I think, what I know.  You are shooting for what is humanly impossible and you will only make yourself tired and ineffective.  You will lose much ground wasting you time wandering around trying to make everyone like you and understand you.  Your job is not to make them understand.  That is my job.  Your job is to share truth and plant seeds.  That's all.  Do not worry how they interpret your words and deeds.  That is beyond your control and it keeps you from moving on to the next 'field' to be planted.

Pressing upon him to touch him

Lord, I want so much to touch you

Mark 3:7-12

Jesus withdrew toward the sea with his disciples. A large number of people followed from Galilee and from Judea.  Hearing what he was doing, a large number of people came to him also from Jerusalem,  from Idumea, from beyond the Jordan,  and from the neighborhood of Tyre and Sidon. He told his disciples to have a boat ready for him because of the crowd,  so that they would not crush him. He had cured many and, as a result, those who had diseases were pressing upon him to touch him. And whenever unclean spirits saw him they would fall down before him  and shout, "You are the Son of God."  He warned them sternly not to make him known.


Pressing upon him to touch him


Lord, 
I want to touch you.  I want you to touch me, to heal me.  I can understand their desire to touch you.  Would I be one of them pressing to get close to you? 


Not so long ago I wouldn't have been, for sure.  Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't love you but because of my own feelings of fear, fear of being one of the unruly, out of control, passionate, desperate people amongh the crowd filled with the deperate desire to touch you, to be healed.  


Did they all believe you were God?  Probably not, but they were there pressing in on you like the others. 


Lord help me let go of this constraint I have put on myself out of fear of being misunderstood.  Lord, help me let go of the concern for what others may think of me.  I know their perception doesn't change truth.
Help me care more about what you tink than what they think.
Help me just be who I am in all instances with all people.  I'm not saying I want to disregard sensibilities but I want to be free.  


I can feel the obsessive thoughts going around and around in my head again.  Now I know it is the condition and that it will pass.  I just have to be patient and I have to be gentle with myself in the mean time.  This is the way I am and fighting against it wears me out.  


Lord, help me accept who you made me to be while I continue to become a better me within my control and to let go of what is not in my control.  
Help me realize it befroe I am in the the middle of the battlefield in my head.  


I can see I've made much progress nad when I have the right dosage, I will be able to have more self control in the areas that torment me.  Just knowing that helps.  This is my cross.


You've told me before.  You have given me the grace, the tools, the help form people who care about me.  Now I need patience, to wait on you and to wait on the things aht are changing to beocme stable, so I can be more balanced.  This is nothing new. 


Lord, I am going to work on this last leg (hopefully last leg) of this healing of this wound that has been in the process of healing for so long.  I do not know how he can possibly say or do anything that will take away this fear and anxiety that I feel in certain instances.   That churing in my heart and the thoughts, self defeating thoughts keep me form your peace, the peace I desire so much.  Lord, I know you have already given me all I need.  Help me to accept it, use it and move  on.  I don't know how FJ can help me but I trust you and my experience tells me that I don't need anything other that in this situation. 


I need to let it go for now.  And when the times comes to act, you will lead me.  help me hold on to that, Lord.

Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart

Lord, soften my hard heart

Mark 3:7-12

Jesus entered the synagogue.  There was a man there who had a withered hand.  They watched Jesus closely to see if he would cure him on the sabbath so that they might accuse him.  He said to the man with the withered hand, "Come up here before us."  Then he said to the Pharisees, "Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath rather than to do evil, to save life rather than to destroy it?"  But they remained silent.  Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart, Jesus said to the man, "Stretch out your hand."  He stretched it out and his hand was restored.  The Pharisees went out and immediately took counsel with the Herodians against him to put him to death.

 Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart

Lord, 

What is this?  It looks like they were going to do whatever they were going to do and they would find a reason to kill you no matter what.

You have given each of us a free will and it seems to be the thing that grieves you the most.  Our hadness of heart and hardnesss of head.  


Lord, I look at mama and see her hard heart and head and I see how it hurts her, how she holds on to the very things that perpetuate the pain she is in.  Pride, yes, it's pride.  And I know how I've been a slave, yes that's it, a slave to pride.  A slave because of the way it controls me.  Lord, I don't know how you do it.  How do you watch all your children hurt themselves over and over?  


I can understand the anger and grief.  I feel it often when I speak to J and yet I have to let her do what she's going to do.  Lord, I've had to learn so many things the hard way.  How could I expect anything different from her?  I can't but I hope and I know one day she will turn back to you.  Lord, you must have been grieved at my hardness of heart, even when I thought I was so holy like the Pharisees.  You were patient and forgiving and I know that's what you've called me to be.

Lord, hep me to be patient and forgiving to those I love who are not where I think they should be.  You have given me so many gifts.  You've given me faith, trust, love, understanding and wisdom.  You've given me the gift of yourself every single day in the Eucharist and on that day I sat in this exact same spot, you filled me with yourself.  You gave me all these things when I was far from you, when I did not deserve them.  Help me be patient and loving and to have the wisdom to know what to say it and when to just pray.  Lord, help my family come to you before it is too late and help me help them.  Amen

The sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath

Mark 2:23-28

As Jesus was passing through a field of grain on the sabbath, his disciples began to make a path while picking the heads of grain.  At this the Pharisees said to him, Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the sabbath?"  He said to them,
"Have you never read what David did when he was in need and he and his companions were hungry?  How he went into the house of God when Abiathar was high priest and ate the bread of offering that only the priests could lawfully eat, and shared it with his companions?"  Then he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.  That is why the Son of Man is lord even of the sabbath."

The sabbath was made for man, not the man fo the sabbath.

Lord, you amaze me every day.  I sat down, read this over a couple of times and thought, 'There's nothing that speaks tyo me today."  And you said, "write " and then it starts to flow.  The sabbath was made for man not the other way around.

Lord, I have spent so many years trying to 'do' all the rules.  I was self righteous and I didn'te even know it.  I looked around and saw the rest of my family living completely immersed in the secular world and I judged them.  In fact I resented them because I was praying for them and they didnd't appreciate it. And I feared they were talking bad abut me because of it.  They may have been.  I don't know. 


I did all those things knowing it was what was required to be a good Catholic, and I had all the knowledge in my head.  I had all the answers and I was faithful.  I guess it was faith because I never felt the love.  I saw those Catholics that were outwardly "in love with the Lord" as Protestants that decided the Church was the real place to be.  I did not understand that the 'rules' were for my own best interest.  All of them! 


I had always thought you were arrogant for wanting to be number one and to be the only reason for living.  It was not until you filled me that day that the scales fell from my yes and I understood that it wasn't for your ego.  It was for me.   For the first time in my life I felt love for you.  I loved you in my head before that, but I never really loved you, not with my head, heart, soul, will, my entire being.  And when I did.  I saw how that was for me, not you!  


When I loved you, you consumed me, flooded me with yourself...pure love.  I no longer do the things I  'should' because I 'should'. I do them out of selfish reasons, because I love you and I want to be close to you.  I want to hear your voice.  I want to feel your love.  I need your consolation and compassion.  I want to spend eternity with you.  All of that sounds so selfish but they tell me it's not.  I guess it does sound selfish.  They tell me that is what I was made for, to love you, serve you and be with you forever.  Without the grace and eyes of faith, it does make you seem pretty self serving. I didn't understand it until I felt it.  


OMG!!  I felt it and you took me to heights I never could have imagined and even today, at times I wonder if it was real.  Even thought I know it was.  Even after the last 20 months.  It's taken me until the last few to start to lose the self righteousness, to become more compassionate, to understand ignorance in others.  


I cannot believe you want me to pray with broken people.  This is one ministry I never wanted to be in.  It is for all those crazy people who are crazy in love with you and not afraid to show it.  Lord, I'm still afraid to show it.

Not for long!!

Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them?

Thank You God for the many gifts you give me every day!

Mark 2:18-22
The disciples of John and of the Pharisees were accustomed to fast.  People came to Jesus and objected, "Why do the disciples of John and the disciples of the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?"  Jesus answered them, "Can the wedding guests fast while the  bridegroom is with them?  As long as they have the bridegroom with them they cannot fast.
But the days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast on that day.  No one sews a piece of unshrunken cloth on an old cloak.  If he does, its fullness pulls away, the new from the old, and the tear gets worse.  Likewise, no one pours new wine into old wineskins.  Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the skins are ruined.  Rather, new wine is poured into fresh wineskins."


Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them?


Lord,
I have a hard time celebrating, letting go, relaxing, not constantly being productive.  OK, I know you know this.  But I have to say it.  Lord, I've known this a long time but I have never really given it the attention it needed to overcome it.  I guess it has been a form of fasting.  Fasting from life.


OMG, that's what I've been doing all these years, fasting from life, from truly living.  I've been saving the best for last.  I've had this 'suffer' through life then die and have all that's been promised, mentality.  But thats not what you want is it?


No, I gave you life to live now in this world and in the next.  You've wasted a lot of time in misery.  You know where that comes from.   Now you've broken free of the darkness but you are accustomed to it and your behavior goes back to what it is used to, even when it is free.  Just like the Israelites who were free from Egypt, yet they held on to the slave mentality.  You have done much the same, but not completely.  You just have to remind yourself that you are not a 'slave' to darkness anymore.  You are a free child of the Light.  I will remind you.  I know how you are.  And don't be hard on yourself.  I know you've been living in that cave for over 40 years.

OMG!!!  40 Years!!  Thats how long they wondered around in the desert.  I guess my time for wandering around is over.


Yes it is.


Lord, I don't want to wander any longer.  I want to be at the promise land here on earth.  I need to be joyful now.  It is a gift from you.  All of it is and I have not opened it.  I've peeked inside, but I haven't torn off the wrapper and tried it on.  I haven't pulled it around me like a coat and allowed myself to be warmed by it.  Lord, help me do that.


There are many gifts you have not opened.  They will wait and remain unopened.  It is your choice.


Lord, I have rejected gifts from others for so long.  Depriving them of the joy of being the giver and they have tried so hard to make me happy.  I have hurt their feelings.  I have never been able to receive gifts well.  I've been doing the same thing to them that I've been doing to you.


That's right.


Lord, why do I do that?


You think it's going to run out and it may not be exactly what you really want and by accepting it you believe what you really want will never come.  You don't realize it doesn't run out.  Not my love or the gifts or the joy.   I have been pouring them out to you all these years.  There is no end, not even when you leave the earth.

"There's more where that came from".  Tell yourself that and you won't be a miser either.  You are so afraid that 'things' are going to run out, that you save them.  You don't use them.  You save it for later, or a special occasion.  Today is a special occasion.  Every day is and every day is a gift from me to you.  Open it and enjoy it, use it the way it is intended.  Wasting is a sin.  Don't waste your life.  Every minute you don't live, you are wasting your life.

Remember your resolution?  LIVE in the moment and you will never waste another one.