A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house."

Lord, can I trust you to catch me when I fall?

Mark 6:1-6

Jesus departed from there and came to his native place, accompanied by his disciples.  When he sabbath came he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astonished.  They said, "Where did this man get all this?  What kind of wisdom has been given him?  What mighty deeds are wrought by his hands!  Is he not the carpenter, the son of Mary, and the brother of James and Joseph and Judas and Simon?  And are not his sisters here with us?"  And they took offense at him.  Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house."  So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there, apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them.  He was amazed at their lack of faith.

A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house."


Lord,
How true this is.  If it was true for you, how much more true is it for me?  I am amazed at the disregard I get from those closest to me while others will give me some credit.  


Maybe that is what I do to B.  I reject his ideas and his way of doing things.  I am rejecting him.  And no matter how I've tried to change, he still doesn't trust me.  He has built a wall around himself to protect himself from me.  And I am unreliable to be completely consistent even thought I have tried and I have changed.  My moods control me.  I know that now.  Thank God there is medication.  But even so, I have to change habits I've built for decades.  Lord, I am impatient.  I expect him to change along with me.  I expect him to see the new me and to trust the new me and he is very cautious.  Lord, what can I do about it?  How can I gain his trust?


Be consistent, take your meds, be patient with yourself and with him.  This will take time and care.  You are rebuilding a relationship that has been estranged, in a way.  You know trust doesn't just return automatically.  


Look at your trust issues with 'them'.   Only one of them hurt you but you don't trust any of them.  You don't completely trust the ones you trust, do you?  


No Lord, I don't.  I keep waiting for them to hurt me.  The closer I get or the more familiar I get to them, the more the fear and mistrust grows, instead of the trust building.  I guess that is because that is how it happened before.  I didn't trust him for a long time and when I finally did, when I believed he was different, I gave him all my trust and that is when I opened myself up to the most devastating pain of my life.  Yes I went from one extreme to another and that is what gets me in trouble so  much.


Balance, you know that is what you lack.  It has been so for a long time.  It is like a virgin who holds on to her virginity for a long time and then finally gives it up to some guy, then after that, she gets the physical gratification out of it and even the emotional high if only for a short time.   She feels loved so she gives herself away again and again to satiate some desire that she had never known before.  Even though it is not good for her body or soul or emotions.  She  shuts that out and does it any way, even thought she regrets it afterward.   


You did that with him.  And how often did you regret being open and want to clarify or take it back, only to do it again?  And why did you do it?  For the temporary way it gratified your need for love, acceptance, affirmation, approval and all the other things he gave you.  You were addicted to those good feelings and they did you in,  like any addiction would.