My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, because they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat

If they could all love you the way I do....

Mark 8:1-10
In those days when there again was a great crowd without anything to eat, Jesus summoned the disciples and said, "My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, because they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat.  If I send them away hungry to their homes, they will collapse on the way, and some of them have come a great distance."  His disciples answered him, "Where can anyone get enough bread to satisfy them here in this deserted place?"  Still he asked them, "How many loaves do you have?"  They replied, Seven."  He ordered the crowd to sit down on the ground.  Then, taking the seven loaves he gave thanks, broke them, and gave them to his disciples to distribute, and they distributed them to the crowd.  They also had a few fish.  He said the blessing over them and ordered them distributed also.  They ate and were satisfied.  They picked up the fragments left over--seven baskets.  There were about four thousand people.

He dismissed the crowd and got into the boat with his disciples and came to the region of Dalmanutha.

My heart is moved with pity for the crowd, because they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat

Lord,
I don't get this.  Nothing stands out today but this, but it has nothing attached to it inside me. "My heart is moved with pity", that is what keeps coming to mind but there are no feelings or thoughts.

Those people were captured by you.  They followed you or sat with you for three days, even after their food ran out.  They gave themselves to you and did not even think of themselves and their need for food.  I think you must have captured their heart, mind and body.  Lord, I feel that way so often.  You have captured my heart, mind and body.  Sometimes I feel like I have a backstage pass.  I feel so close to you, that I have your full attention.  I have never received that from anyone in my life.  When I think about it, I feel selfish.  I look around to see if anyone has noticed my arrogance or selfishness.  I still feel like I am doing something wrong in this relationship.  I still feel a little like I am sneaking our or maybe not sneaking out but overindulging with my time with you.  I don't so much care what others think of it much any more because unless they have what I have, they will never understand.

I want them to understand, to know that you are real, that you are all the things the Bible says you are and that you are specifically in love with them.

It is still so hard to grasp that you can be completely with me and with someone else at the same time, that you handmade me specifically the way I am, that the differences between and others are intentional.

Lord, help me embrace those differences and discover their purpose because I know that you have purpose in everything.  Lord, help me release the shame I feel for being different and to accept the qualities that I deem so negative.  The difficulty I have with self control because of the mood disorder is what pains me the most.  How do I let go and forgive myself for the things I say or do that I later regret?  Many of those things are not sins, yet they haunt me just the same.

For years I believed my openness was a  gift because I was authentic and it opened others up and put down their guard so often, it made them trust me.  I thought it gave me freedom to be myself but what it often did was open me up for hurt, rejections and so often when I look back at those times, it's like I made myself naked and then I regret and feel shame.  Lord, I don't know the difference between embarrassment and shame.

Shame is deeply rooted and comes back over and over.Embarrassed is like a snapshot, a short time and then it is over and you are able to let it go and often laugh at it in retrospect.

Lord, help me get rid of this same because that is what it is.