You are Simon the son of John; you will be called Cephas

John 1:35-42
John was standing with two of his disciples, and as he watched Jesus walk by, he said, "Behold, the Lamb of God."  The two disciples heard what he said and followed Jesus.  Jesus turned and saw them following him and said to them, "What are you looking for?"  They said to him, "Rabbi" - which translated means Teacher -,
"where are you staying?"  He said to them, "Come, and you will see."  So they went and saw where Jesus was staying, and they stayed with him that day.  It was about four in the afternoon.  Andrew, the brother of Simon Peter, was one of the two who heard John and followed Jesus.  He first found his own brother Simon and told him, "We have found the Messiah" - which is translated Christ -.  Then he brought him to Jesus.  Jesus looked at him and said, "You are Simon the son of John;  you will be called Cephas" - which is translated Peter. 


You are Simon the son of John;  you will be called Cephas 


Lord, I can see how the change of a name was a change of a person, a role, a new chapter or new book in their life.  I am starting to see the purpose and beauty of it.  I am not there Lord but I am so close to shedding this version of myself that I have been working with these past 18 months.   I believe that when I complete this leg of the journey.  There will be a new me, a better me.  I know that I will still be very far from the goal but I know I will be so much closer than I ever even thought I would or could get.


Lord, you have brought me so far, help me stay faithful and pliable to your will.  And Lord, I know there are more trials ahead.


Lord, hold me up during those times and never let me forget your promises.


Oh My God, I love you.

Speak, for your servant is listening

I love You  Lord.  You are my all!

1 Samuel 3:3b-10, 19

Samuel was sleeping in the temple of the LORD where the ark of God was.  The LORD called to Samuel, who answered,  Here I am."  Samuel ran to Eli and said, "Here I am. You called me."  "I did not call you, " Eli said. "Go back to sleep."  So he went back to sleep.  Again the LORD called Samuel, who rose and went to Eli.  "Here I am, " he said. "You called me."
But Eli answered, "I did not call you, my son. Go back to sleep." 

At that time Samuel was not familiar with the LORD, because the LORD had not revealed anything to him as yet.  The LORD called Samuel again, for the third time.  Getting up and going to Eli, he said, "Here I am. You called me."  Then Eli understood that the LORD was calling the youth.  So he said to Samuel, "Go to sleep, and if you are called, reply, Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening."  When Samuel went to sleep in his place, the LORD came and revealed his presence, calling out as before, "Samuel, Samuel!"  Samuel answered, "Speak, for your servant is listening."    Samuel grew up, and the LORD was with him, not permitting any word of his to be without effect.


Speak, for your servant is listening

Lord, the first time I heard your voice was that day back in 2005. It has been several years and I have been listening ever since. You have blessed me beyond measure with clarity and straightforwardness. You have lead me, consoled me, affirmed me, scolded me, taught me, shown me the many ways I need to grow and change. You've given me the grace and shown me the way. You've been patient with my impatience. You have forgiven my selfishness, my laziness, my excuses, my meanness, all my faults and even when I am so bad, you still accept me with a gentleness that soothes me and reassure me. You are constantly sending me consolations and confirmations. You have shown me your love and told me of your love. Your correction is always gentle even when it is blunt. 


 You are perfect. You do it in a way that I need, a way that doesn't hurt in any way. Sometimes, often you tell me things I don't want to hear and it always comes across with love. There is no accusation, no yelling, belittling, no shame.You do not leave wounds and scars.


 You have been with me my entire life, you've journeyed back with me, shown me and healed so much brokenness in those years. You suffered and died for me. 


 Lord, you really do love me beyond any comprehension. Lord, I am filled with so much gratitude that it is pouring out my heart right now. My God, lead me, use me, don't ever let me go. My God, I love you beyond anything I could have ever imagined. 


 Help me accept it all.

“Follow Me”

Mark 2:13-17
Jesus went out along the sea. All the crowd came to him and he taught them. As he passed by, he saw Levi, son of Alphaeus, sitting at the customs post. Jesus said to him, "Follow me." And he got up and followed Jesus.
While he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners sat with Jesus and his disciples; for there were many who followed him. Some scribes who were Pharisees saw that Jesus was eating with sinners and tax collectors and said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?"  Jesus heard this and said to them, "Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners."

Lord,

Two words, “follow me”??

How could you say two words to one man and he gets up and leaves his post and invites you and all your followers to his house?

Lord, you had to make an impression on him.

Lord, did he follow because he saw the crowd that followed? Maybe

Lord, had he seen or heard of your miracles? Maybe

Lord, was he at the end of his rope and you came along at the right time? Maybe

Lord, had he been searching for what was missing? Maybe

Or, Lord, did he see you, see into your eyes and see God? Was his heart open so he could feel your love, your healing touch, your mercy, compassion, your forgiveness? Lord, did he feel the joy and peace that are your calling card?

It doesn't really matter does it? He followed and he AND others were rewarded because he followed.

He was an instrument. I use all kinds of instruments. Old, broken, rusty, partially repaired or in the process of repair and clean shining ones. The clean shiny ones were once broken and rusty. I can use any tool no matter how broken it is. But those in the process of repair are easier to use, they can be used more delicately with more precision and are less likely to fall apart in the process of being used.

Honestly, those that are in the best working order are used most often and they continue to need cleansing and maintenance and sometimes they break down too. But when they do they get my attention. Not because I love them more, but because they ask sooner. They repent faster and come running back faster.

I want you to be a clean working tool in my hands. Remember the “In My Hands” part. Let me move you. Don't resist my pull in any direction, bend into my hand become one with my hand and the pains will be fewer and shorter lasting and not so deep that it will take a long time to recover. But there will always be pain, as long as you are on earth.

Now Go

Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, pick up your mat and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth"

Mark 2:1-12
When Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days, it became known that he was at home.

Many gathered together so that there was no longer room for them, not even around the door, and he preached the word to them.  They came bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men.  Unable to get near Jesus because of the crowd, they opened up the roof above him.
After they had broken through, they let down the mat on which the paralytic was lying.
When Jesus saw their faith, he said to him, "Child, your sins are forgiven."  Now some of the scribes were sitting there asking themselves, "Why does this man speak that way? He is blaspheming.  Who but God alone can forgive sins?"  Jesus immediately knew in his mind what they were thinking to themselves, so he said, "Why are you thinking such things in your hearts?  Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, pick up your mat and walk'?  But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth" -he said to the paralytic, "I say to you, rise, pick up your mat, and go home."
He rose, picked up his mat at once, and went away in the sight of everyone.  They were all astounded and glorified God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this."

Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, pick up your mat and walk'?  But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth"

Lord,

I am sitting here thinking OK, how many times have I heard this story?  You must share the good things the Lord has done for you is what I hear, Lord.

Yes, it is not pride to share what I have done for you.  Rejoice and share it.  Share the good news.  It is not pride to share what God has done for you.  You are so afraid of appearing proud that you hide my gifts under  a basket and put it in the closet.  Appearing proud and being proud are two different things.  Appearing proud has to do with the beholder.  You are not responsible for their perception.  But you are responsible to share the good news.  Walking around with the concern for the perception or judgement of others is like a giant shackle around your hands, ankles and even tongue.  It gives you very little room for movement and it controls you.  It wears you out physically by the weight of it and it keeps you from running, dancing for joy and celebrating the good things I have given you.  You will be stuck to some degree until you break off the self imposed shackles that are weighing you down in so many ways.

Yes Lord, I can feel my heart wanting to let go, there is this desire within my heart and soul to run telling everyone about your miracles in my life.  The love and gifts hat you give me every day.  I get ready to let go, to  run to the next person and tell them about you, then I look down and see the shackles around my ankles that make me monitor my words carefully which causes me to fumble and stutter and the joy is lost, the sparkle fades and the excitement dies.

So now that you know when are you going to free yourself?  Only you hold the key.  I don't.  I gave it to you long ago.  Quit studying the key and open the locks and set yourself free.  Its all up to you.  But you already know that don't you?  

Yes, Lord, I do.  Help me Lord.

If you wish, you can make me clean.....I do will it

Heal Me Lord

Mark 1:40-45

A leper came to him and kneeling down begged him and said, "If you wish, you can make me clean."  Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, touched the leper, and said to him,  "I do will it. Be made clean."  The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean.  Then, warning him sternly, he dismissed him at once.
Then he said to him, "See that you tell no one anything, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses prescribed;  that will be proof for them."  The man went away and began to publicize the whole matter.  He spread the report abroad so that it was impossible for Jesus to enter a town openly.  He remained outside in deserted places, and people kept coming to him from everywhere.

If you wish, you can make me clean.....I do will it

OMG Lord,

I walked into this chapel telling you that if you wanted me to be healed of my fear of priests, you were going to have to speak to me through my scripture meditation!  You did more than that, Lord.  The first sentence blew me away with tears and laughing at how you couldn't have been any more direct than you were.

Lord, I want to be healed of this.  I know you've been healing me of this for over a year now, since it happened.  I know I'm ready Lord, I am tired of that anxiety or fear that stabs me in the gut when certain things happen.  It is like being a child.  Living in the fear that I am going to do something wrong and get yelled at.  Maybe that's why I fear being wrong.   Even now, as soon as I realize I am wrong, it's like I instantly shrink into a tiny little person and want to run and hide and hold my hands over my ears and just cry.  I am a grown up. I can't continue to live like that.  

I believe you have a plan and you've put a certain priest in my path to help me with this.  In fact how is it possible that it turns out to be a priest I did not even know until a few months ago, but one that I had prayed for years ago that he would not leave the priesthood.  And his first 'stint' back is at the parish I go to every morning.  OMG, you are amazing!

"Everyone is looking for you." He told them, "Let us go on to the nearby villages that I may preach there also. For this purpose have I come."

Mark 1:29-39

An ugly vessel Jesus used in His plan to save the world.

On leaving the synagogue Jesus entered the house of Simon and Andrew with James and John.  Simon's mother-in-law lay sick with a fever.  They immediately told him about her.
He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up.  Then the fever left her and she waited on them.
When it was evening, after sunset, they brought to him all who were ill or possessed by demons.  The whole town was gathered at the door.  He cured many who were sick with various diseases, and he drove out many demons, not permitting them to speak because they knew him.
Rising very early before dawn, he left and went off to a deserted place, where he prayed.

Simon and those who were with him pursued him and on finding him said, "Everyone is looking for you."  He told them, "Let us go on to the nearby villages that I may preach there also.  For this purpose have I come."  So he went into their synagogues, preaching and driving out demons throughout the whole of Galilee.

"Everyone is looking for you."  He told them, "Let us go on to the nearby villages that I may preach there also.  For this purpose have I come."

Lord,

You knew when it was time to move on.  You could have stayed where everyone knew you, loved you and wanted to be with you, where you were more comfortable, but comfort was not what you were about.

Lord, This last few weeks, you have been moving me to a new place away from the comfort of my own 'drama'.  You've been pulling me out to help others but not just helping them, but bringing your healing to them  specifically.  Lord, I do not feel worthy to do this. I do not feel capable, comfortable or qualified.

You're not, but I am and it is I who work through you.  You are the vessel like the giant stone jars at the wedding at Cana.  They once held dirty water until I sanctified them.  They became the vessels that announced the beginning of my ministry that brought salvation to all.  That wine, that 'best wine' became the forerunner for the Best Wine, the 'wine' that saves.

They were rocks, that could have been used for anything or nothing at all.  And they stand at the center of this story.  They have a place in history where they are spoken of generation after generation.

Lord, I am thinking about what they went through to get to be the vessels that held your 'first miracle'.  Who knew how long they sat around until they were even dug up or how they were chosen, excavated, chipped and chiseled, ground, filed and smoothed.  How dirty they got in the process, how long they sat empty once completed.  How or why they were chosen as vessels for the water.  And even when they were in place at the wedding, they still did not know what their purpose was, even as they were being filled, not until the 'wine' was drawn from them did they know.

Lord help me just do what you ask, so that I can be that stone jar, if it is your will for me.

I was only pouring out my troubles to the LORD....my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery

1Samuel 1:9-20

Hannah rose after a meal at Shiloh, and presented herself before the LORD;  at the time, Eli the priest was sitting on a chair near the doorpost of the LORD's temple.  In her bitterness she prayed to the LORD, weeping copiously, and she made a vow, promising: "O LORD of hosts, if you look with pity on the misery of your handmaid, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the LORD for as long as he lives;  neither wine nor liquor shall he drink, and no razor shall ever touch his head."  As she remained long at prayer before the LORD, Eli watched her mouth, for Hannah was praying silently;  though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard.  Eli, thinking her drunk, said to her, "How long will you make a drunken show of yourself?  Sober up from your wine!"  "It isn't that, my lord," Hannah answered.  "I am an unhappy woman.
I have had neither wine nor liquor;  I was only pouring out my troubles to the LORD.  Do not think your handmaid a ne'er-do-well;  my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery."  Eli said, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."  She replied, "Think kindly of your maidservant," and left.  She went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and no longer appeared downcast.  Early the next morning they worshiped before the LORD, and then returned to their home in Ramah.

When Elkanah had relations with his wife Hannah, the LORD remembered her.

 I was only pouring out my troubles to the LORD....my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery

Lord,

How is it that children, if we have them or not, can cause us such deep pain?

There is nothing on this earth that has hurt me so deeply as my child who has turned her back on you and your Church.    But she is not mine, she is yours.  You gave her to me and I gave her back to you that day in April 2010.  Lord, I know you are taking care of her.  And I know your mother, my mother is protecting her and yet, my heart still aches.

Do I not trust you to take care of her?

No, you are impatient.  Your doubts are only passing.  Yes they pass often, but they are shallow and easily plucked out when I remind you of my faithfulness.

Your pain stems from your own impatience.

Yes Lord, that makes sense because as soon as I am reminded of your promise to me, that she will return, she will be saved, the peace returns.  So the impatience is what brings the doubt.  

It is crazy how these little 'sins' like impatience can lead to deeper and more serious sin, like loss of faith, much like pride leads to so many other roads that lead to hell.

Thank you Lord for that revelation.  Now please continue to help me see it for what it is before it takes me into the depths of sadness the way it does.