Come after me and I will make you fishers of men

Mark 1:14-20
After John had been arrested, Jesus came to Galilee proclaiming the gospel of God:  "This is the time of fulfillment.  The kingdom of God is at hand.  Repent, and believe in the gospel."  



As he passed by the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting their nets into the sea; they were fishermen.  Jesus said to them, "Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men."  Then they abandoned their nets and followed him.  He walked along a little farther and saw James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother John.  They too were in a boat mending their nets.  Then he called them.  So they left their father Zebedee in the boat along with the hired men and followed him.


Come after me and I will make you fishers of men


Lord,


I am not sure what you are doing with me these days.  I have all these gifts you've given me, this knowledge and a keen way of hearing you, but what do I do with all of it?  Now you've got me praying with people, which I never wanted to do.  But, Lord, you do lead me, so I believe it is where you want me.  But what about the creativity and the knowledge of the faith.  I thought you wanted me to use it, but nothing is happening.

What does come after me and I will make you fishers of men mean to me?  I have worked on learning all the 'rules' to do this, but it doesn't seem to have any value or purpose.

It will.  All that is not for nothing.

Lord, please lead me because I don't see it now.  Today I feel tired and out of steam.

Rest.  Today is a day to rest, just rest.

for they said, "He is out of his mind"

Who's Crazy?

Mark 3:20-21

Jesus came with his disciples into the house.  Again the crowd gathered, making it impossible for them even to eat. When his relatives heard of this they set out to seize him,  for they said, "He is out of his mind." 

for they said, "He is out of his mind"

Lord,

You have such a sense of humor.  You know this is one of my fears.  What are you saying?  His family thought he was out of his mind. the Pharisees said he was possessed.  They used the ignorance of others to further their plan.  Lord, what does this have to do with me?

He wasn't crazy.  You that.  What others believe doesn't make it true.  Their belief came out of the ignorance.  And the Pharisees used everything against him.  It didn't matter if it was good or bad.  They twisted it to fit their needs and desires.  Truth stands the test of time. 

So what about me?  Help me overcome this fear.

What people believe has not effect on truth.  So what you think they think doesn't change what they actually think or don't think.  It only drives you into anxiety and fear.  You cannot bear to be misunderstood.  But look, the Lord, you God was misunderstood and it didn't change anything.  That was part of the plan.  And he was humble and he was not disturbed  by it out of his humility.  For you, there is no purpose.  It does not bring a greater good.  It stirs up fear and anxiety.  It keeps you fighting in your head.  It makes you chase your tail.  It keeps you from experiencing peace, my peace.  Do you see the difference?  Even if others believe you to be crazy, what difference does it make?  Do you want peace or not?  You have to get over this to find peace.  This is all in your head and it is because you have such a hard time believing it's true.  You haven't accepted this truth.  I cannot use you in this state of confusion.  You must stand firm in the truth.  You cannot give in to the devil's attempt to keep you in this tail spin.  You go around and around in your head and in your heart.  You know it's true.  That doubt is from him.   Think again about peace and discernment.  Ask yourself if there is peace or turmoil.  You know which is form where.  You cannot go forward, not effectively in your mission as long as this doubt has a hold on your heart.  When you feel that stabbing fear, as soon as it hits your heart, recognize it is from him.  Equate that feeling of ear and anxiety with him, like Pavlov's dog.  Then use your mind to discern the facts.  You are giving him power by giving in to the fear and anxiety and the desire to be understood and liked.  Not being understood or like by all is a fact of this world.  Look at me.  If they misunderstand it is out of their lack, not yours.

The Lord chose Imperfect men

I wonder what they think of me

Mark 3:13-19
Jesus went up the mountain and summoned those whom he wanted and they came to him.  He appointed Twelve, whom he also named Apostles, that they might be with him and he might send them forth to preach 
and to have authority to drive out demons:  He appointed the Twelve:  Simon, whom he named Peter; James, son of Zebedee, and John the brother of James, whom he named Boanerges,  that is, sons of thunder; Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James the son of Alphaeus; Thaddeus, Simon the Cananean, and Judas Iscariot who betrayed him.


Lord, 
What is this?


These imperfect men were the first men that you had at your side, speaking in your name and even though you were with them, they still fell prey to the devil's temptations in their humanity.


These men screwed up all over the place.  They made some big mistakes and you knew they would, yet you chose them.  You used them.  You loved them.  You allowed them to mess up.  You chose them for your mission and they did their part imperfectly.  They did their job.  Their job was not to instantly convert the world, their job was to do their best and move on.  They didn't sit around worried about what others thought of them.  What many though of them was not loving or beautiful.  


You are not judged on what others think of you.  You are judged on what I think, what I know.  You are shooting for what is humanly impossible and you will only make yourself tired and ineffective.  You will lose much ground wasting you time wandering around trying to make everyone like you and understand you.  Your job is not to make them understand.  That is my job.  Your job is to share truth and plant seeds.  That's all.  Do not worry how they interpret your words and deeds.  That is beyond your control and it keeps you from moving on to the next 'field' to be planted.

Pressing upon him to touch him

Lord, I want so much to touch you

Mark 3:7-12

Jesus withdrew toward the sea with his disciples. A large number of people followed from Galilee and from Judea.  Hearing what he was doing, a large number of people came to him also from Jerusalem,  from Idumea, from beyond the Jordan,  and from the neighborhood of Tyre and Sidon. He told his disciples to have a boat ready for him because of the crowd,  so that they would not crush him. He had cured many and, as a result, those who had diseases were pressing upon him to touch him. And whenever unclean spirits saw him they would fall down before him  and shout, "You are the Son of God."  He warned them sternly not to make him known.


Pressing upon him to touch him


Lord, 
I want to touch you.  I want you to touch me, to heal me.  I can understand their desire to touch you.  Would I be one of them pressing to get close to you? 


Not so long ago I wouldn't have been, for sure.  Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't love you but because of my own feelings of fear, fear of being one of the unruly, out of control, passionate, desperate people amongh the crowd filled with the deperate desire to touch you, to be healed.  


Did they all believe you were God?  Probably not, but they were there pressing in on you like the others. 


Lord help me let go of this constraint I have put on myself out of fear of being misunderstood.  Lord, help me let go of the concern for what others may think of me.  I know their perception doesn't change truth.
Help me care more about what you tink than what they think.
Help me just be who I am in all instances with all people.  I'm not saying I want to disregard sensibilities but I want to be free.  


I can feel the obsessive thoughts going around and around in my head again.  Now I know it is the condition and that it will pass.  I just have to be patient and I have to be gentle with myself in the mean time.  This is the way I am and fighting against it wears me out.  


Lord, help me accept who you made me to be while I continue to become a better me within my control and to let go of what is not in my control.  
Help me realize it befroe I am in the the middle of the battlefield in my head.  


I can see I've made much progress nad when I have the right dosage, I will be able to have more self control in the areas that torment me.  Just knowing that helps.  This is my cross.


You've told me before.  You have given me the grace, the tools, the help form people who care about me.  Now I need patience, to wait on you and to wait on the things aht are changing to beocme stable, so I can be more balanced.  This is nothing new. 


Lord, I am going to work on this last leg (hopefully last leg) of this healing of this wound that has been in the process of healing for so long.  I do not know how he can possibly say or do anything that will take away this fear and anxiety that I feel in certain instances.   That churing in my heart and the thoughts, self defeating thoughts keep me form your peace, the peace I desire so much.  Lord, I know you have already given me all I need.  Help me to accept it, use it and move  on.  I don't know how FJ can help me but I trust you and my experience tells me that I don't need anything other that in this situation. 


I need to let it go for now.  And when the times comes to act, you will lead me.  help me hold on to that, Lord.

Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart

Lord, soften my hard heart

Mark 3:7-12

Jesus entered the synagogue.  There was a man there who had a withered hand.  They watched Jesus closely to see if he would cure him on the sabbath so that they might accuse him.  He said to the man with the withered hand, "Come up here before us."  Then he said to the Pharisees, "Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath rather than to do evil, to save life rather than to destroy it?"  But they remained silent.  Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart, Jesus said to the man, "Stretch out your hand."  He stretched it out and his hand was restored.  The Pharisees went out and immediately took counsel with the Herodians against him to put him to death.

 Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart

Lord, 

What is this?  It looks like they were going to do whatever they were going to do and they would find a reason to kill you no matter what.

You have given each of us a free will and it seems to be the thing that grieves you the most.  Our hadness of heart and hardnesss of head.  


Lord, I look at mama and see her hard heart and head and I see how it hurts her, how she holds on to the very things that perpetuate the pain she is in.  Pride, yes, it's pride.  And I know how I've been a slave, yes that's it, a slave to pride.  A slave because of the way it controls me.  Lord, I don't know how you do it.  How do you watch all your children hurt themselves over and over?  


I can understand the anger and grief.  I feel it often when I speak to J and yet I have to let her do what she's going to do.  Lord, I've had to learn so many things the hard way.  How could I expect anything different from her?  I can't but I hope and I know one day she will turn back to you.  Lord, you must have been grieved at my hardness of heart, even when I thought I was so holy like the Pharisees.  You were patient and forgiving and I know that's what you've called me to be.

Lord, hep me to be patient and forgiving to those I love who are not where I think they should be.  You have given me so many gifts.  You've given me faith, trust, love, understanding and wisdom.  You've given me the gift of yourself every single day in the Eucharist and on that day I sat in this exact same spot, you filled me with yourself.  You gave me all these things when I was far from you, when I did not deserve them.  Help me be patient and loving and to have the wisdom to know what to say it and when to just pray.  Lord, help my family come to you before it is too late and help me help them.  Amen

The sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath

Mark 2:23-28

As Jesus was passing through a field of grain on the sabbath, his disciples began to make a path while picking the heads of grain.  At this the Pharisees said to him, Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the sabbath?"  He said to them,
"Have you never read what David did when he was in need and he and his companions were hungry?  How he went into the house of God when Abiathar was high priest and ate the bread of offering that only the priests could lawfully eat, and shared it with his companions?"  Then he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.  That is why the Son of Man is lord even of the sabbath."

The sabbath was made for man, not the man fo the sabbath.

Lord, you amaze me every day.  I sat down, read this over a couple of times and thought, 'There's nothing that speaks tyo me today."  And you said, "write " and then it starts to flow.  The sabbath was made for man not the other way around.

Lord, I have spent so many years trying to 'do' all the rules.  I was self righteous and I didn'te even know it.  I looked around and saw the rest of my family living completely immersed in the secular world and I judged them.  In fact I resented them because I was praying for them and they didnd't appreciate it. And I feared they were talking bad abut me because of it.  They may have been.  I don't know. 


I did all those things knowing it was what was required to be a good Catholic, and I had all the knowledge in my head.  I had all the answers and I was faithful.  I guess it was faith because I never felt the love.  I saw those Catholics that were outwardly "in love with the Lord" as Protestants that decided the Church was the real place to be.  I did not understand that the 'rules' were for my own best interest.  All of them! 


I had always thought you were arrogant for wanting to be number one and to be the only reason for living.  It was not until you filled me that day that the scales fell from my yes and I understood that it wasn't for your ego.  It was for me.   For the first time in my life I felt love for you.  I loved you in my head before that, but I never really loved you, not with my head, heart, soul, will, my entire being.  And when I did.  I saw how that was for me, not you!  


When I loved you, you consumed me, flooded me with yourself...pure love.  I no longer do the things I  'should' because I 'should'. I do them out of selfish reasons, because I love you and I want to be close to you.  I want to hear your voice.  I want to feel your love.  I need your consolation and compassion.  I want to spend eternity with you.  All of that sounds so selfish but they tell me it's not.  I guess it does sound selfish.  They tell me that is what I was made for, to love you, serve you and be with you forever.  Without the grace and eyes of faith, it does make you seem pretty self serving. I didn't understand it until I felt it.  


OMG!!  I felt it and you took me to heights I never could have imagined and even today, at times I wonder if it was real.  Even thought I know it was.  Even after the last 20 months.  It's taken me until the last few to start to lose the self righteousness, to become more compassionate, to understand ignorance in others.  


I cannot believe you want me to pray with broken people.  This is one ministry I never wanted to be in.  It is for all those crazy people who are crazy in love with you and not afraid to show it.  Lord, I'm still afraid to show it.

Not for long!!

Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them?

Thank You God for the many gifts you give me every day!

Mark 2:18-22
The disciples of John and of the Pharisees were accustomed to fast.  People came to Jesus and objected, "Why do the disciples of John and the disciples of the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?"  Jesus answered them, "Can the wedding guests fast while the  bridegroom is with them?  As long as they have the bridegroom with them they cannot fast.
But the days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast on that day.  No one sews a piece of unshrunken cloth on an old cloak.  If he does, its fullness pulls away, the new from the old, and the tear gets worse.  Likewise, no one pours new wine into old wineskins.  Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the skins are ruined.  Rather, new wine is poured into fresh wineskins."


Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them?


Lord,
I have a hard time celebrating, letting go, relaxing, not constantly being productive.  OK, I know you know this.  But I have to say it.  Lord, I've known this a long time but I have never really given it the attention it needed to overcome it.  I guess it has been a form of fasting.  Fasting from life.


OMG, that's what I've been doing all these years, fasting from life, from truly living.  I've been saving the best for last.  I've had this 'suffer' through life then die and have all that's been promised, mentality.  But thats not what you want is it?


No, I gave you life to live now in this world and in the next.  You've wasted a lot of time in misery.  You know where that comes from.   Now you've broken free of the darkness but you are accustomed to it and your behavior goes back to what it is used to, even when it is free.  Just like the Israelites who were free from Egypt, yet they held on to the slave mentality.  You have done much the same, but not completely.  You just have to remind yourself that you are not a 'slave' to darkness anymore.  You are a free child of the Light.  I will remind you.  I know how you are.  And don't be hard on yourself.  I know you've been living in that cave for over 40 years.

OMG!!!  40 Years!!  Thats how long they wondered around in the desert.  I guess my time for wandering around is over.


Yes it is.


Lord, I don't want to wander any longer.  I want to be at the promise land here on earth.  I need to be joyful now.  It is a gift from you.  All of it is and I have not opened it.  I've peeked inside, but I haven't torn off the wrapper and tried it on.  I haven't pulled it around me like a coat and allowed myself to be warmed by it.  Lord, help me do that.


There are many gifts you have not opened.  They will wait and remain unopened.  It is your choice.


Lord, I have rejected gifts from others for so long.  Depriving them of the joy of being the giver and they have tried so hard to make me happy.  I have hurt their feelings.  I have never been able to receive gifts well.  I've been doing the same thing to them that I've been doing to you.


That's right.


Lord, why do I do that?


You think it's going to run out and it may not be exactly what you really want and by accepting it you believe what you really want will never come.  You don't realize it doesn't run out.  Not my love or the gifts or the joy.   I have been pouring them out to you all these years.  There is no end, not even when you leave the earth.

"There's more where that came from".  Tell yourself that and you won't be a miser either.  You are so afraid that 'things' are going to run out, that you save them.  You don't use them.  You save it for later, or a special occasion.  Today is a special occasion.  Every day is and every day is a gift from me to you.  Open it and enjoy it, use it the way it is intended.  Wasting is a sin.  Don't waste your life.  Every minute you don't live, you are wasting your life.

Remember your resolution?  LIVE in the moment and you will never waste another one.