Lord, I am tired

Just let me rest awhile

Lord, I am tired.  I am tired of the work involved in getting better.  At this point I wonder if I will ever really get better.  OK, I am better but I want to heal in a way that does not make me feel crazy or worthless or all the other things I carry around.  Now this dealing with the demons is the cherry on top, more like sour grape.

You have allowed these things to surface, but why?

Is's part of your healing.  A necessary part of your healing.  The pain and consequences of the evil that was around and done to you didn't happen in a few short years.  You have been dealing with abuse from your conception through that of FA, two years ago.  That is almost 50 years.  That is a lifetime, at least yours up to now.  Two years is a drop.  But you are going  through it in fast forward.  It is a journey that will take the rest of your life.  Slow down and enjoy the journey.  Don't fret that you are not as far along as you want to be.  You are as far along as I want you to be.  You have to stop and rest on any journey, especially a long one.


You can take another route but you cannot change what you come across on the route you choose.  And when you get lost, you can always find your way back.  I am your GPS.  Just turn to me.


Your anxiety at reaching your destination takes your attention away from the beautiful sights along the way.  The demons are just rocks in your path along the way.  You will soon pass them and find a smooth path for a time.  Don't stop now.  You have come a long way.  Rest but don't stop and don't let anyone convince you to stop.  That is the devil working through whomever or whatever he can to stop you and hold you captive.  Keep going.  You are getting there.  You just don't see it because all you are looking at is the road.

He explained everything in private

Speak to me Lord so I know it's you

Mk 4:26-34

Jesus said to the crowds: "This is how it is with the kingdom of God; it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land and would sleep and rise night and day and through it all the seed would sprout and grow, he knows not how. Of its own accord the land yields fruit, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. And when the grain is ripe, he wields the sickle at once, for the harvest has come."

He said, "To what shall we compare the kingdom of God, or what parable can we use for it? It is like a mustard seed that, when it is sown in the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on the earth. But once it is sown, it springs up and becomes the largest of plants and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the sky can dwell in its shade." With many such parables he spoke the word to them as they were able to understand it. Without parables he did not speak to them, but to his own disciples he explained everything in private.

He explained everything in private

Lord,

You talk to me in private, yet I still doubt. I don't want to doubt. Lord, I want to know what is you and what is not.

Use your feelings. The evil one stings, you know that. Separate that, then remember I only speak in love. If there is no sting and it is not loving it is you. Trust what you know.

What if I am telling myself what I want to hear?

You don't. You speak negatively to yourself. At least now you do.

Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety

No where to turn but to God 

Lk 2:41-51

Each year Jesus' parents went to Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, and when he was twelve years old, they went up according to festival custom. After they had completed its days, as they were returning,
the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Thinking that he was in the caravan, they journeyed for a day and looked for him among their relatives and acquaintances, but not finding him, they returned to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple,
sitting in the midst of the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions, and all who heard him were astounded at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished, and his mother said to him, "Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety." And he said to them, "Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" But they did not understand what he said to them. He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart.

Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety

Lord,

I can only imagine the anxiety of Mary and Joseph. To lose their son. The Son of God! Lord it happens every day in our society but the people today 'lose' you by choice. They abandon you, live lives filled with sin and do not see anything wrong with it. Yes we the faithful ones also live in sin but we know we are and we regret it, repent, ask forgiveness and in your unconditional love and mercy, forgive us.

What would it take to bring those who've left back to you and your Church?

It often takes tragedy, hitting the bottom, having no one else to turn to or an awakening which often comes from the faithful, their example and their love.

Lord, I love you more than anything and I want that for others,k especially those I love.

All you can do is live the faith, pray for them, love them and use teachable moments to share the truth. That is sufficient.

Jesus, help me be the example you want me to be.

Stay on the path you are on and wait on me. Patience will save you much heart ache.

Blood and water flowed out

You have been washed in my blood

Jn 19:31-37Since it was preparation day, in order that the bodies might not remain on the cross on the sabbath, for the sabbath day of that week was a solemn one, the Jews asked Pilate that their legs be broken and they be taken down. So the soldiers came and broke the legs of the first and then of the other one who was crucified with Jesus. But when they came to Jesus and saw that he was already dead, they did not break his legs, but one soldier thrust his lance into his side, and immediately blood and water flowed out. An eyewitness has testified, and his testimony is true; he knows that he is speaking the truth, so that you also may come to believe. For this happened so that the Scripture passage might be fulfilled: Not a bone of it will be broken. And again another passage says: They will look upon him whom they have pierced.


Blood and water flowed out

Lord

Lead me. What are you saying to me? Blood and water flowed?

You have been washed in my blood. Your love for me is pure. Let me love you. Accept my blood, accept my love. Open your heart to receive me and allow me to heal you. Trust me more fully. Your head knows I have a plan, that I will not hurt you. I will not allow you to suffer anything you cannot handle. All the suffering makes you stronger and brings you closer to my heart and to your mission.

Lord, I do not understand why you allowed these demons to surface if you were not going to release them.

They are making you stronger. They are making you trust me more. There is nothing they can do to you that will not bring you closer to me. The more you suffer, the more you know your need for me and the more you will reach out to me. The more you reach out to me the more you trust me. The ore you trust me, the more you allow me to love you and the more you love me.

I want you to concentrate on accepting my love. Meditate on it. Let it penetrate your mind and then your heart. You want Joy in your life but you keep it at an arms length. You fear the price you will have to pay for that joy. I have already paid that price. It is free to you. There are no strings attached. You are judging me by human standard.
You have to open up and accept the reality of the unseen world and the impossible or what you believe to be impossible. You say I can do anything but you do not expect it. You have to think out of the box. Do not put limits on me. There is nothing I cannot do and nothing I would not do for my children, for you. Everything I do in your life is for your sanctification. Everything I allow in your life is also for your sanctification. You must believe that especially when you are under attack.


Lord, help me remember when I need it the most.

Your brother has anything against you

Please forgive me

Mt 5:20-26

Jesus said to his disciples: "I tell you, unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter into the Kingdom of heaven.

"You have heard that it was said to your ancestors, You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment. But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, 'Raqa,' will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, "You fool," will be liable to fiery Gehenna. Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court with him. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny."

Your brother has anything against you

Lord,

What?

Make yourself humble, accept responsibility for your part, be it now or 20 - 30 years ago. I am asking you to humble yourself. Lay it out there. I am not asking you to accept abuse. I have done that . Make yourself vulnerable. Satan hates humility. The demon indie of her will recoil with your self sacrifice and humility. I do not want you to hurt. I will protect you. I will be with you and I will be with her. There is a depth of personal sanctity that can only be reached through humility. Lay it all down, bear your soul for her, your love of her and your desire for her deliverance. I will protect you. I would not ask this of you if I did not know you can do it and that is will be healing for you and for her. She is lost in self-hatred that she masks as justifiable anger for her victimization by you. She has daggers in her eyes that she cannot see through. Only your love and humility can take them away. You have this power. I am giving it to you for your sanctification and hers. She cannot begin to heal on her own. She has too much anger and hatred bottled up inside her. You are not really the target. I am. Her hatred for me is projected on to you. She feels victimized by me and it is easier for her to justify her anger toward you. It is not your responsibility to heal her. It is mine, but you are a tool in my hand. She could be lost without your help. You want to lead people to me. You know they will not all follow. You know that there will be pain and rejection involved. But you also know there is grace sufficient to see you through it and to the other side. This relationship binds you and keeps you from peace. It doesn't matter who's right t and who's wrong. It is a matter of eternal salvation. You can make this small sacrifice for hers.

Jesus you are asking a lot. You know my fear.

This will not only help her, but it will help you.

I have come not to abolish but to fulfill

Mt 5:17-19

Nothing happens without God's permission

Jesus said to his disciples:  "Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets.  I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.  Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law, until all things have taken place.  Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called least in the Kingdom of heaven.  But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the Kingdom of heaven."

 I have come not to abolish but to fulfill

Lord,

I believe that you have it all under control  You know what your plan is for all of us and for the world.  Lord, help me have the faith in the times of darkness that you are here, you are in charge and you are the Lord of all.

Lord, help me let go of any anxiety over any and all of this.  I know you are in charge over all the angels, good and bad.  I know they have no power that you do not give them.

Just lead me, Lord.  I am lost without you and your guidance.

Your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father

Mt 5:13-16

Lord, don't leave me

Jesus said to his disciples: "You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lamp stand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father."

Your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father

Lord,
I see where I am failing to be that light. I am not making living in the light look easy or simple. My example is showing others how much time I give you. Maybe that turns them away because they do not believe they can do it. Maybe it seems to them that it is too much. May it is too much for other. I realize my radical lifestyle. D thinks that all that has happened over the last two years is normal. If that is true, why don't I know people who've had experiences like this in such a short time? If having demons is normal, why don't I know people who have the or who have had them? It does seem that I have been focused on the downside of all of this. I have been. I have been vain or prideful, wanting to be special or different but at the same time not wanting to be alone and to stand out. I am trying to figure this out But I don't want to scrutinize it anymore. there is an unseen world that I have 'dipped' into and I have to accept that it is real and that it doesn't matter if anyone else believes it or not. That need or desire to be believed has caused me to feel insane or fear insanity or to fear others peoples'judgement of being insane. Lord, these things (demons) work every angle.
Part of me thinks maybe I should write a book. But what value would it have other than entertainment. Unless there are others like me. It could be annoying but how would that enable me to minister to others if I am alone in all of this? There would be no others.
You are not alone. You are separated.
The more I think about this, the more it seems like a science fiction book. It is true. I am hanging on to you like a child hands on to a parent in a crowd out of fear of becoming lost and left alone among strangers. Lord, that is a terrifying fear. Lord, calm that fear and help me trust you and help me slow down the rushing pushing crowd so I can breathe freely and find the peace in knowing you are in front of me, behind me and all around me.